April 2008 Archieve

April 27
Duh.
Just when I needed a laugh, I glance down at what Cole was making on a piece of paper. On the top of the paper I see M T W F F S S. I think I know what he is working on, but kindly ask him anyway.
Me: "Hey buddy, are you working on a Calendar?"
Cole: "Yup!"
Me: "Very cool honey, can you tell me what this letter is for?" pointing to the first "F".
Cole: "Mom, that is for Fursday."
Me: "Of course, Fursday!"
Cole: very quietly "duh".


April 26
Grace...
Grace.I've always wanted someone to describe me as graceful. I always thought I'd love to be that person who makes you feel at home with in a minute of meeting for the first time -- the person with the easy smile and the charming personality who everyone is drawn to and loves. I'd bend over backwards to be able to slip on a pair of chinos and a faded tshirt -- hair pulled back into an easy ponytail -- and still look beautiful. I'd love to be a model mother, wife, daughter, neighbor, friend.Graceful is not a word I think people would use to describe me. Funny, smart, compassionate, strong -- those are words even I'll agree with on a good day -- but graceful? Not really. This has bothered me for years and when I look in the mirror -- and when I look inward -- I chastise myself Why did you say that? Why did you do that? Why do you have to be so awkward?For some reason, going through radiation has changed me. I still recognize that I'm not graceful in the ways that I'd love to be, but I understand that that's just not me. I've been striving to be a person I'm not, like trying to make an apple pie out of oranges. I just don't have the right ingredients.But I do have my own version of grace. You may not see it upon meeting me, but it's there. And after being diagnosed with a brain tumor, I've decided to nurture it. It's time to quit trying to be the new me and start being the real me. Making this decision feels a little like moving into a new house...well, a new old house. Kind of like my real house. It needs some work, but all the important pieces are in place.I want to be a more graceful mother, wife, daughter, friend and be present, easy to talk to, and a loving resource. Finally, I want everyone to know that I will be here for all of you as you have been for me. I may not be as graceful in my offering all the time. BUT I would do anything for anyone. I'm amazed at all the people who have "done" for us.Lately I have been a little "lost" -- like an old pair of shoes that really doesn't fit anymore. But you can't throw them away..that is my state of mind. I feel like those old sneakers...please don't throw me away, with some new strings and some "grace" I will return. I'm a whole person working on feeling comfortable and more graceful in her own skin every day. So if you come over..... Come on in, I'll take your coat. I may forget to ask you if you'd like something to drink and there may be dog hair on the sofa, or cheerio's on the carpet - but if you stay long enough you may find that behind your hostess's akward smile is a graceful heart -- and she's trying to let it show through.


April 24
Seizures & Mistakes
Been a rough couple of days trying to schedule upcoming appointments. I have to finish radiation, than schedule another MRI to investigate the Tumor. I also am preparing for PT....Physical Therapy is going to be 3 days a week for a month. Than 2 days a week for another month...sounds like fun!!!

I had 3 seizures yesterday!! :( So I have been a little tired. AND I have a correction...our dinner angels are Lori & TINA (not lisa as I stated in my previous post.) These ladies have been wonderful!


April 22
Life & Thanks!
People have asked me what they can say to loved ones or to themselves to keep them going when their life experience is similar to mine. They email me and ask me for advice. They wonder if I can remember anything that helped. Truth is, I can't. I wish I knew the magic combination of words or prayers that would inspire or give someone the something they need to look forward to. How can I tell others what it is? I can't even tell myself. Someone just sent me an e-mail asking what to say to a cousin who was recently diagnosed with a Brain Tumor...I don't know. I'm sorry. My suggestion would be to listen, and understand that just because someones brother did things this way and felt this way doesn't mean that someone else has to feel the same. As I struggle to complete radiation myself, I find myself thinking about what sucks. I can tell you, my taste buds are damanged. I can't eat sour patch kids, minor problem, I understand...BUT I LOVE them. I have a friend who was diagnosed with a Brain Tumor over 15 years ago. She was in a MUCH tougher situation than I'm in, and did SO much better. She had her skull opened not once, but TWICE to remove her tumor and fought with dignity and grace. I have a seizure and crumble. Everyone is different. Every situation is different. What I can tell you is that those who surround us make all the difference. I have so many recent people to thank:
Browns, Brandons, Starts, Rockys, Youngs, DeYoungs, Suits, friends from Complete Source (please know that your generous donation is going to help pay our growing medical bills.) St. Lukes Church (The dinner was WONDERFUL, and we bought diapers with the gift card!) Lori and Tina (along with all the angel dinner makers! You have all been so fabulous.) Kebbler for all the snacks, Peppinoes Pizza, ALL MY prayer warriors, my neighbors for the book to read while recovering, all the gorgeous thoughtful cards......Everyone who has listened to us, held our hand, hugged our children and touched our hearts. We love you all!

April 16
Thanks, but no thanks!
Given the opportunity to have my other knee screwed, chopped, drilled, nailed, stapled I would have to kindly decline. I was trying to explain what it felt like and the best scenerio I could come up with was "It kinda feels like I gave birth out of my knee cap". The worst part is I have been given this piece of paper to keep for my records. It is from the "Musculoskeletal Transplant Foundation". It is part of a "Tracking System".

Date of Transplant:041108
Item(s) code: 130010
Serial number: blah blah blah (maybe dead people have rights, I better be careful!)
Desc: Bone, Tendon, bone, Hemi w/ Quadracep
ok and are you ready for this.......................................
Exp Date: 26Sept2012

So, when I asked the nurse after surgery what this was all about she calmly said, "well you know, if they ever find something wrong with your "new" knee, they can trace the body it came from". (oh lovely!) Thankfully I was drugged. (I wonder if the screws came from an old Mustang) In addition, I'm happy that I didn't notice the EXPIRATION date until after I was home. Please tell me these "parts" don't expire in 4 years. Or even worse, tell me that they wouldn't have been ok in a freezer for another 4 years...YUCK.

At any rate, I appreciate the person who was an organ donor....without them I would be pain free and cleaning my house, but instead I'm sitting in a chair...living on drugs
I have lots more to write about..In a nut shell, the day before surgery I recieved a letter from my work that said....."Mrs. DeYoung........blah blah, we appreciate your dedication to Spectrum Health......we are sorry for your Brain Tumor, but if you don't get your bum back to work we will no longer hold your job after April 17. OK, I'm being a little obnoxious about it, but that is how I felt. In addition, my mom is at a 30 day rehab center...she left on Sunday.

I'll write more later.


April 14
Update on Kendrah
Hello everyone, it's Brian. I know that everyone is wondering how Kendrah is doing. She is holding on. It has been a very painful road on recovery. In addition to a machine that is constantly keeping her leg cold, she is also taking Extra Strength Vicodin and a Synthetic Morphin for pain. Thank-you for all of you who have held her in your prayers and those of you who have helped with babysitting and meals.


April 11
Today is the day..
In a few minutes I'm heading out to have my knee surgery. So I will keep this short, thanks for all the prayers....ALL THE WONDERFUL MEALS, and thanks to all the people taking our kids for the day. Update soon, Kendrah


April 07
NEWBIES....
Wow, I guess it is time that I bring everyone up to speed on how I got to this point...I have lots of new readers and many whom have stumbled upon this blog by accident, but have decided to stay.

Q.Yeah, Hi, I read your blog and I'm sort of wondering, who are you? (Other wording of this question has included: Are you somebody? and Who do you think you are? and Should I know you? And if so, Please tell me why because I don't think you are anybody important but if you are, I want to know.)
A.I'm just me. I'm strong-willed and sometimes compassionate. I'm often too bawdy for my own good. I do my best to be open and honest and I'm almost always overly loud when I get tickled. I have this blog because I think I have some things to say. I enjoy saying them. I will never claim to enjoy writing them or being a writer because I'm undisciplined and writing takes discipline. BUT, writing is my outlet.

Q.Do you really have 5 kids?
A.Yes I really do, and to answer the implied question, yes they all have the same dad...and yes we are still married. (almost 10 years.) AND YES we are DONE.

Q:Did your mom really try committing suicide recently? A: Yes, and we are dealing with that and getting her healthy. She is hanging in there. I love her and I appreciate my husbands patients through this.

Q: Do you have a job? A. Yes, I work for Spectrum Health with lots of WONDERFUL people... I hope to return in May. I have been off since December 8.

Q: How did you get your brain tumor?
A: Please pay attention here. This is not MY brain tumor. This is just on loan, remember? A LOAN … not mine. My tumor would be much nicer and involve ice cream and martinis at a much higher level. And it wouldn’t kill you, it would just stop by for a quick visit on the way to the store to pick up that yummy fudge you can heat up in the microwave and drizzle over cookies. No, not MY tumor. I’m just, uh, being forced to watch it for a time being. Sort of like your neighbor asking you to watch his house and water the flowers while he’s gone. You never wanted to agree but then again, you didn’t really have a choice – and the house can kill you. Sort of like that.
But to answer the question – who knows? No one apparently. My doctor shrugs when I ask.

Q: How did they find it?
A: By “it” I’m assuming you mean My Tumor, right? The short answer is - I went to work one day..woke up a few days later, found out that I was in ICU and had been having approximately 50+ seizures a day. I spent a few weeks there in December, returned in January for another week. (What a long shift at work, huh?)

Q: What’s the prognosis?
A: Please note the wording of this question. It is the proper way to ask “are you going to die" I actually have had only one person properly ask this question. Only one person that has looked me in the eyes and said “…and the prognosis?” Everyone else that has asked hasn’t really asked. They’ve hinted. They’ve hemmed. They’ve hawed. I would actually prefer an outright “is it fatal?” or “will you die?” to the hemming and hawing. I would prefer someone say “are you coffin shopping?” to the “soooo, do you expect … um … things to go …well?”
The answer to the question is the prognosis is very very very good. I’m very lucky. This tumor is most likely NOT cancerous although there is always the lingering fear. Like when you wear white pants on the last day of your period. You know what I'm talking about. (sorry to all my men readers...) But I will know more when radiation is complete and I have another scan. Hoping that the tumor has shrunk, or at the VERY least stayed the same size.
Q: How are you doing/feeling?A: This is a tough one. The answer can change in an instant. I can go from feeling fabulous to ferocious in less time than it takes for you to ask me if I’m doing okay. I have this amazing ability to go from zero to pissed off in under 3.3 seconds. And likewise, I can go from the depths of despair to glory hallelujah with a single scoop of ice cream. The weird thing is that I feel obligated to feel good. I feel like if I don’t tell you “I’m doing good!” you’ll be upset. I feel like I have to say something positive. And well, I don’t always feel good. Sometimes I feel downright poopy. But I don’t want to tell you I feel poopy because then you don’t know what to say. And it usually leads to the next question.

Q: Is there anything I can do for you?
A: Yes. You can tell your spouse you love him or her. You can be grateful for the little things. You can make a donation to your charity of choice. You can smile at the bald woman at the mall. You can count your blessings. You can stop taking everything personally. You can stop worrying about if you have the right dress or the right shoes or the right car. You can listen to someone when they are talking – really listen. You can tell your child it is okay to ask questions to the lady that looks different. You can give someone a second, third or 70th chance. You can hug your kid when she spills chocolate milk on her t-shirt. You can tell your dad thanks …for everything. You can send someone a card the next time they are going through something and just say “I don’t know what to say but saying nothing isn’t an option.” You can tell your mom you are proud of her. You can open the door for someone else. You can remember that we are all connected. You can ask for what you want instead of complaining or pouting. You can stop trying to be who you aren’t. You can say thank you to the waitress, the doorman, the person who holds the elevator. You can give someone else a break. You can worry a little less and start living a little more.
AND if you are still bored, you can help me do a load of laundry :)
You can do all these things for me. And I’m going to try to do them for myself.

Q.How does your knee play a role in this? A: It doesn't! It is completely unrelated...but very real in my life at the moment. I injured my leg this winter, and now have to have complete knee reconstructive surgery on April 11.

That’s all for now. Other questions? If so, email or comment. I’ll answer. I promise.


April 06
Thankfullness
Tonight, I share with you a few of many things that I'm thankful for on this Sunday evening:

My Mother.
Living with her in the interm has been difficult to say the least. Her and I have ALWAYS been SO different. (Perhaps why I moved out at 16) We think different, act different, respond different, parent different...but Ultimately love just the same. I'm proud of where she is in her road to recovery...Today it has been 30 days since she has had a drop of alcohol. HURRAY.

Friends.
They pull your life back together when you need it most. Maybe they send you an e-mail or a card at just the right moment, (Some I haven't even responded to yet....but please know that every e-mail and message is read and appreciated!! EVERYONE) They call you, or allow you to call them at the exact moment you were about to BREAK! They cook you dinners, YUMMY ones. (Thanks Chris and Melissa!!!!) They sit up until midnight playing guitar hero with you (Thanks Brandon's!!!!) They drop by to visit on a day you feel kinda crummy, even had a seizure the night before, still in your pj's...but none of that matters because just seeing their face seems to lighten your load..(Thanks Amy and Melissa!) They bring your kids presents, very generous presents-perhaps thinking in the back of their mind..."these kids have had a rough few months too...so even without a birthday party, lets make them smile!" (smile they did, thanks Auntie and Uncle Chris it was nice to have you drop in this weekend.) We really miss you!

Strangers...soon to be added to the friends:
A group of local neighbors....... all interconnected through school and daycare and friends of friends have rallied together to adopt our family if you will... for these next few weeks...Bringing meals, and treats and tonight even a well needed gallon of milk. Thank-YOU! They have offered to provide meals for our family for the next month, while I'm finishing my last few radiation sessions and preparing for knee reconstruction surgery this FRIDAY . We have already been given 2 VERY delicious meals from this group, and our humbled in thinking that there is more to come. God Bless you all, you have made my life so much easier!! You have no idea how much this means to our family....on so many levels.

My Husband Brian.
One of the only things I know for sure is that starting and ending my days with him casts something wonderful over my life. It's a twice a day scheduled dose of warm and calm and right. I love him.There's not much not to love. Men love him because he is such a guy. He instinctively knows how to build or fix anything. He's a natural at climbing, or boating on the water. He's a US MARINE. Women love him because he is funny and entertaining but mostly without toxic doses of machismo and swaggering. (I didn't say he wasn't a tad bit MACHO, or annoying at times JUST not toxic with it is all) I love him because he is kind, loyal, supportive. and when I say kind, I don't mean nice. nice is everywhere. Nice is....nice. But kind is in the blood or bones or spleen or cells or something. You can't fake kind. He reserves a lot of his kindness for me, and the borderline toxic stuff for his friends :)Mostly when all else falls apart, and I make no sense to anyone...he understands me. Sometimes better than I understand myself.

Tonight I'm thankful.
Goodnight and GodBless.


April 02
Birthday Girl....Kennedy.
WOW, my little girl is 9 today. AMAZING. You have accomplised so many things on your short start at life. Kennedy, you are the sweetest 9 year old that I know. You may argue with your father...boy do you 2 know how to go at it....BUT the truth is you are both so strong willed. You have a giving heart sweet girl. It's wonderul and humbling to pick your daughter up from a slumber party and hear about how amazing you are. How you demonstrate morals and try to include everyone. How you worked extra hard to make sure that everyone felt included.

You have a passion for animals that is so intense...I hope you will follow your dream to become a veternarian. Every conference I have ever attended for you, your passion for animals was always discussed. Your teachers see your love for animals. Your math may not always come as fast as you would like...but you can draw animals like no other. Your imagination is so full of jubilant ideas and colors...

You have struggled these last few months right by mommies side....at times I know that you were dealt a hand in this family way above your maturity...You help all the kids understand and appreicate the greater meaning of life. I'm pretty certain there is NO other 9 year old that has the same will and desire to learn about the Lord. It's a pure hunger that leaves you searching. It's wonderful!!!!! We've learned so much from you, unfortunately when you have kids....they don't give you a magic book on "Parenting for Dummies". So as our first child, you have had to learn with us. We know that we have made mistakes along the way, but we hope that you know we have ALWAYS had the best of intentions.

You gave me a huge hug tonight and told me this was your "BEST BIRTHDAY ever!" I think it may have something to do with the Hannah Montana cake: )
Kennedy, I love you. more than you will ever know.