March 2008 Archieve

March 27
Overwhelmed....
It doesn’t happen often – my overwhelmedness. At least I don’t think it happens often. And I should know. After all, I’m the one in my skin feeling overwhelmed. I’m sure there are many, many people who could claim that oh really? you don’t think you get overwhelmed often? because I have 157 emails right here in my archives with OVERWHELMED! as the subject line … and they are all from you. from February.
Ahh February. That was a good month. UGH.
So I should clarify ... THAT kind of overwhelmed … the run-of-the-mill overwhelmed, is not the same kind of overwhelmed that I’m currently feeling. AND it’s not really fair to call the run-of-the-mill overwhelmed the same thing as over-the-top overwhelmed. I mean yes, they are both from the root word “overwhelm” but they mean two totally different things and can have two totally different meanings – one benign, one somewhat scary. Like the word prick. Or jock. Or democrat … you see what I’m saying there.
I should, I suppose, answer the typical questions that come up from the well-meaning folk around me when I feel this way. The folks who, to their credit, do their best to “fix it” without having to listen one more minute to me talking about how overwhelmed I am. The answers are …
1) No, I’m not on my period 2) Yes, I’ve eaten today3) No, it wasn’t exclusively brownie batter
So the usual suspects have been rounded up and acquitted. And yet. I’m overwhelmed. Still.
When I feel like this the very idea of trying to figure out why I feel like this is enough to send me over the edge. Any right minded person in my life looks at me and says, “What’s making you feel so overwhelmed?” and I usually will rattle off a few examples. But this whole process is just exhausting and while I’m explaining why I’m overwhelmed, I’m sitting there going Oh holy hell! No wonder I’m so overwhelmed … this is all so … overwhelming!!
It’s like I’m trying to untangling my bra from being wrapped up and over and around the agitator in the middle of the washing machine. It’s impossible to know how it got this tangled and doubly impossible to see how it will ever come loose. I’m left more confused than when I started trying to unconfused things.
It could have to do with my son Cole, taking 2 trips by ambulance to Deovs this week....YUP, T-W-O. Maybe the sleeping in the chair in his room and being exhausted....maybe the fact that now Dawson has a fever, or the root canal I had done this morning....OR maybe the fact that my mom is going to be temporarily moving into my house????? Or maybe Life just caught up to me....maybe things will look brigher in the morning. FOR now, I leave you with some pics of my brave little man. What a weeK

March 24
Lights and Sirens and Easter, OH MY!
SO Easter Sunday started out like any Easter in MI should, Eggs....snow and bubbles from the bunny.

The kids played, mommy began fixing a ham dinner, Cole took a nap on the couch...life was happening. Well with Cole's quick trip to the bathroom, EVERYTHING changed in an instant. I heard a "thud" in the bathroom, before I could register what was occurring Dawson was screaming for me. Cole was having a seizure. For any new Blog readers, Cole is our son who has Mild CP and Epilepsy. He has had seizures in the past, typically 30 sec - 1 minute long. He hasn't had a seizure in quite sometime, and never one to this extent. When I reached the bathroom, he was in the midst of a MAJOR seizure. (Tonic Clonic/Grand Mal) I watched him, checked his airway, held his hand, and anticipated any second it would end....but it didn't. After 5 minutes I called 911. As I heard the ambulance arrive vomit started to rise in my throat....."Please God, make this stop" I began to mutter. His seizure lasted approximately 8 minutes. He was rushed to Devos Children's Hospital. Dawson, his big brother, found him and was so brave. He ran to get a neighbor to help, when I was on the phone with 911. He showed all the volunteer firefighters and EMT's into our upstairs bathroom. (Brian and Kennedy were on the way home from visiting with my mom.) Bless my husbands still beating heart, for pulling onto our road and seeing an ambulance, a fire truck, and SEVERAL other emergency response vehicles in our driveway.

Cole is back home now sleeping on the couch in front of me, I'm watching his chest rise and fall. Although we will never know why this huge breakthrough seizure happened...it is thought that he 1.) Had a growth spurt so his seizure medication was no longer adequate for his weight. 2.) The seizure was triggered by the high fever he had. (103.0 when we reached the hospital) Likely, a combination of both. He is on an antibiotic treating a sinus infection and slight pneumonia....and has had a huge increase in his seizure medication. Follow-up with his neurologist this week. Is it too early to start praying for 2009?

March 23
Blessings...
I've struggled to write this post, as I'm completely lost for words. Even at this moment I don't know what direction to take. In short, we were visited by an angel earlier this week.

Name: Adam
Married: Yes
Kids:?
Age? late 20's - early 30's (This is my husband guessing....so please excuse us if we are WAY off target.)
Heart: HUGE
Christian: Yes

Apparently he has been a silent observer of our blog. When him and his wife recieved their income taxes back, they decided that they wanted to help our family. I'm still COMPLETELY unaware of how he found our address...we've never e-mailed eachother or spoke on the phone. He dissappeared as quickly as he arrived. I'm humbled and shocked and simply want to say: Thank-you to you "Adam" and family. We plan to use the gift card for gas to travel to appointments. Happy Easter and God Bless.

OK....so already feeling blessed, completely thankful and trying to find the right words to thank one family and more angels appear tonight. Our neighbors, whom we adore...arrive with a HUGE basket for our family for Easter. Complete with the fixings for an Easter dinner, a gorgeous cake, movies for the kids, candy for the parents , a game for the children...AND MUCH MORE! Couple that with a basket of goodies from Grandma & Papa, Dawson and Cole combining all their Birthday money/gift cards to purchase "guitar hero" and our children are completely on cloud nine.

You see, I often fail to mention what these recent months have done to our children. They have shed tears at school, the second I put on my shoes they want to know where I'm going, and when I will return. Radation has now been discribed as a standard Dr. visit, because to mention the "hospital" sends the oldest 3 in tears. When I had to recently explain to them that Granny was in the "hospital", they instantly thought that she had a "spot" on her brain too. They were afraid that she would begin having the "shakes" (seizures). Overall, they have really handled this with more maturity than any 9,7,6,3 & 2 year olds should have. They truly have been the ones suffering these last few months.

So on this Eve of Easter, I would like to thank my children, who for the most part have been so adapting - My mother who is fighting to become a stronger person, The Brandons for being more than selfless neighbors, but great friends...the perfect stranger who walked up our driveway to shake my husbands hand and present a portion of his tax returns, Our family for understanding that the smiles on our faces are mostly forced lately, because our minds are full and our hearts feel heavy. My husband for being patient not only with me and my moodiness, but with the situation with my mother. For working, cleaning, cooking and helping with everything. For hugging me when he sees that my world is crumbling. For taking over when I'm trying to cut pizza but my fingers are so shaky I've already dropped 2 pieces on the floor. For allowing me to sleep after radiation, and trying with all his might to entertain 5 kids quietly.

AND last I would like to thank my Heavenly Father who has brought me to this point in my life. I know that with him, I will survive.

Happy Easter Everyone, thanks for sharing in this ride!



March 19
Dr.
The soonest I expect Mrs. DeYoung able to return to work is May 9th. (Subject to change based on seizure frequency and current MRI findings.)

Ba-Humbug! I don't like this prescription
I want to go back to dealing with patients, I've had enough practice being one.


March 18
Generations.
I was tucking Kennedy into bed when she began to tell me about some goings on at school. Slightly tormented, she shared in great detail who and how and what happened. I won’t post the details here because I haven’t asked for permission but I will say I was hoping the typical school-aged girl-on-girl meanness wouldn’t start until much, much later. I'm shocked nearly daily at how different school is for my kids than it was for me. When I was 9, I was still hugging my teachers hello and goodbye and barely able to recite the alphabet. At the same age, Kennedy uses War and Peace as a discussion starter and is part of a social circle so complicated I feel like I’m neck-deep in a game of dungeons and dragons … with lip gloss.Anyway, as she shared what she was feeling and why she was feeling it, it struck me what a difference a day makes. I knew in my heart and soul that things would look different in the morning. I knew the next day at school would be better. I knew … KNEW … the trials of Monday were just that – Monday’s. Tuesday would be different. But how to tell her? How to validate what she was feeling and still give her a ray of hope? How to listen and convey a complete and total understanding and not downplay while somehow also communicating that hey, kiddo, things aren’t so bad, you’ll see. It’s impossible. So I reached way back into my memory and channeled my mother and said,“I know you don’t believe me right now, but things always look better in the morning.” Then I kissed the top of her head that was buried in my chest, and added, “And if they don’t … well, we can handle that too.”It wasn’t much. But it was all I had.Tonight, with delight Kennedy told me what a great day she’d had at school. She shared no details but just said, “You were right as usual!” and I quietly said a prayer of thanks to my mother, my God, whomever, for bailing me out once again. For giving me whatever bit of wisdom I needed in the moment to comfort a sad little girl. For showing me that despite a 21 year span, Kennedy and I really aren’t all that different.
Things really do look better in the morning.
I guess I won't worry about tomorrows 2 Doctor appointments or Radiation until the MORNING. Good Night.
PS. When I go visit my mom tomorrow, I think I will share this story with her. Afterall, she taught me this lesson.


March 16
Expectations....
I realize now, when I was diagnosed, I fell victim to the shoulds. I should be able to do this well. I should learn a lot of new stuff. I should be able to communicate how I’m feeling. I should be an inspiration. I should have a good attitude. I should put a smile on my face. I should be able to make meals everynight. I should be able to keep up with the housework …
It is hard to avoid the shoulds in situations like this. I hate the shoulds. I prefer “could” to “should” as in “I could have cleaned the house” or “I could have responded better to that.” “I should have cleaned the house” or “I should have responded better.” is just too judgmental. “Could” implies there was a choice. I like could. But you know what they say,
should happens.
So I have a big case of the shoulds and I don’t know what exactly to think about this. Maybe it wouldn’t be bothering me so much but let’s be honest, I’m missing the expectations target. I’m aiming, I’m trying, I really am, but my arms are all shaky and it’s dark and the bullseye is farther away than I ever thought and someone has rubbed Vaseline on my night vision goggles.
I guess what I’m saying is, I think I thought I’d be one of those people that others would look at and go “MAN! She’s doing this REALLY WELL!” and MAN, I’m just NOT.
Even now, as I type this, I find I’m editing. Don’t say that! I’m saying to myself. You sound weak! You need to be strong! Don’t be negative. Tell them the good stuff. Keep it positive.
The reality is I can have a positive attitude and still feel bad. I'm not sure anyone really gets this. It is possible to be positive and still tired. Positive and sick. Positive and vulnerable, open, sad, weary, even angry. Positivity is good. But this.."tumor growing, leg breaking, seizure happening, suicidal mom life"... is NOT good. It is very real and very raw and the reality is it is not pretty. The reality is ugly. And I refuse to hide it. And I think anyone else who goes through it should know that there is at least one person out there who understands, who gets it, who will tell you what you are feeling is REAL and you don’t need to prove it to anyone and you can make it and even if you can’t, that’s okay too. You, your battle, your feelings are VALID.
And you don’t have to do it well. You just don’t.


March 14
Almost Spring...
In attempt to "forget" about life for an hour, we went outside last night with the kids and had some fun family time...

Aleigha is successfully peddling her bike...HURRAY and Blake has mastered the "Fred Flinstone" feet in his Cozy Coop!

Cole and Dawson have BOTH mastered "wheelies" on their scooters.....oh WONDERFUL! (and YES, Cole is wearing a dirt bike helmet. Gotta love that boy!)
Kennedy was gone with her girlfriends...but came home in time for ice-cream before bed...IMAGINE that?!! THANKS to Debbie for going to visit my mom, so I could have the evening off....Radiation and meeting with the surgeon yesterday left me a little grouchy. PS. Complete knee reconstructive surgery is scheduled for April 11.

March 12
Sleepy...
Wish that I could say that I was faking it....but radiation knocks me out. I'm a little tired afterwards...sometimes I take a "little rest" before I head home.


March 09
One Step Forward, 4 Steps Back...
I've been trying to handle this with grace. I've been fighting to maintain faith and optimism. Today I just don't have what it takes to be that person. Ok, truth be told...yesterday I didn't have it either. For starters, I had Radiation for 4 days this week. Leaving me with thinner hair and whole lot of "TIREDNESS". Unfortunately, the radiation has been the least of my stress....I'm uncertain if I can or should share "THE BIG PICTURE" here. But it started on Thursday, I was already emotionally SPENT...The phone rang and it was Dr. Decker. (yeah, see this is getting fun.) "Mrs. DeYoung, this is Dr. Decker." (in my mind I was thinking GOOD Lord, stop calling me...) "Yes, How are you?" Well the rest went something like blah blah blah blah....."You have completely tore your ACL in half" blah blah blah blah "You have brusied all the major bones in your leg, stretched your meniscus, and have an extreme amount of fluid in your leg" blah blah blah blah blah....."Orthapedic Surgeon next week" blah blah blah!!!! Ok, bad news right...well I still haven't told you the worst of my week. Radiation and knee reconstruction surgery...cake walk compared to what else I'm dealing with. My mom is having a rough time. She is currently in a safe place and is getting the help that she needs (hopefully! )...for now that is all that I feel comfortable enough to share in my VERY exposed journal.

When I say "One Step Forward"...I was referring to the WONDERFUL souls who helped us make it through this week. Our neighbors who brought us out to dinner, the wonderful cupcakes from Ida's that were delivered to our home, my father-in-law who helped Brian with a big project, Our neighbor who helped install our new hotwater heater...charging us a fraction of what Lowes wanted. (because of course our old one had to die...PERFECT-O TIME-O!) My friends who kidnapped me and brought me to see the play "Grease" at the Civic Theater....Cole's WONDERFUL teacher who sent us a YUMMY Spaghetti dinner....and everyone else who talked me through these last few days....(some who even chatted through their lunch hour...)

As for now, I have a lot to sort through emotionally, financially, physically and logically. I just need to take some quiet time to figure it all out. It's like stepping into the shallows of a clear lake -- the sand is all stirred up and everything is murky right now so I can't really see where I'm standing. But I know if I just stay still for a while everything will clear up. Mostly because I have my husband who stands in the murky water next to me...holding my hand.


March 06
Waiting Room....
There are the most beautiful people in the world sitting in that radiation waiting room. They are sick and in some cases dying and they are so completely vulnerable. They pull the neck of their shirts open so nurses can plunge needles into their chests and they do so smiling. They sit quietly and turn their heads as others yank open their tops to have the same thing done … just so you can have the illusion of privacy. They pat. They do a lot of patting. They pat knees and shoulders and toes as they walk by dragging their IV lines with them. They talk to each other in hushed tones because that man in the corner is sleeping. They share stories and they laugh.

“What’s your diagnosis?”“Hodgkin’s, yours?”“Breast. 2nd time.”(pause)“That’s tough.”“Yes.” (pause) “I like your head. It looks great.”“Thank you. I like your head too.”“Do you? Thank you.”
"Hey Blondie, we like your new haircut....you may be one of the lucky ones who keeps your hair"
I smile, "thank-you and I hope so!"
"Pituatory Tumor, right?"
I nod
They smile.....

Everything in that room is very real. It is very raw. It is right in your face.

Sometimes the beauty of it all makes me smile....


March 04
Signs

I love how you see this sign minutes before you see the next one:

"Have a Great Day"....If I'm entering the room with the toxic Radiation sign above, I'm probably not having a good day. But thanks for the thought. ;)


March 03
RUNNING
I'm sitting home with Cole right now, and he just asked if I could be ON his t-ball team this year..."Well, I can watch you and cheer and take LOTS of pictures sweetie." "No Mom, I want you to run with me". Oh goodness, please tell me he is kidding.
I can’t play T-Ball or softball or baseball.
I have the skill set – I can catch, I can hit and I can yell “heybatta-batta-battta-sa-whing!batta!” with the best of them but I can’t play softball. I can’t play because when I run I start to laugh. I laugh and laugh. As soon as I ca-rack! the ball out into center field and take off like a fox with her tail on fire toward the lump of bag called “first” I start to lose it. I scream. Not in the “someone is trying to kill me” way but in the “I’m getting tickled and I can’t breathe” way. I don’t always laugh when I run. I don’t laugh when I’m on the treadmill – no …that’s not laughter coming from my lips. Not even close. But when I play softball, and I have to run the bases, I laugh. And it’s not just for softball. It’s really any game where running is involved. Well, not so much running as chasing. I’m not sure why, and I don’t know when it started exactly but once I reached my adult years, I noticed I couldn’t take off knowing someone was behind me without giggling so hard I nearly fell down. So races are out. Soccer is a no-no. And thank goodness we don’t play Tag as adults. I can’t explain it. I’m tired of trying,. The bottom line – "I can’t play T-ball Cole, or mommy will pee her pants" ...."Well, you could just wear one of Aleigha's diapers" – Ha! Now I'm sitting on my own couch laughing so hard, I could pee. So, if you are at the ball park this summer and you see a crazy chubby lady running the bases with her son, keep in mind that she has a "Depend" on...to ensure the humiliation of urinating on herself.

March 01
Hair Today - Gone Tomorrow


SO, as you can see......I have decided it was time for a change. No wait, the change decided it was time for me. I have been losing hair pretty steadily. But this morning in the shower I seriously wondered if I had any left on my head....it was ALL shampooing out....In CLUMPS. Bless my husband, there were no words spoken....I left the bathroom in tears, when I returned later the hair had all been cleaned and I didn't have to look at it. From the beginning, I was advised that the shorter your hair the less chance of it falling out. I guess the less weight on the follicules the better....Again, when I mentioned to my husband that I needed to find the cash for a cut, he didn't question anything....just volunteered to watch the kids while I called around to make an appointment. So this afternoon I had 14inches cut off my hair. I have donated it to locks of love. www.locksoflove.org That was exciting. If I would have let it thin out anymore, I wouldn't have had a good chunck to donate.

In other news: I'm getting around much better on my leg, although I'm still having an MRI of the knee to rule out an ACL tear, on Monday. I have 4 radiation sessions next week...OH YEAH! I'm trying my best to stay positve, thanks for the cards they have meant so much. Thanks for reading.