May 2008 Archieve

May 31
Updates...

Cole had his last soccer game this morning at 8am. If you can't tell he was most excited about his trophey!

Princess Aleigha and I went to a baby shower today, she slept all the way home. Must have been all the clothes she tried on prior to the party that tuckered her out. She insisted on wearing this to the party, mommy didn't argue. Daddy even painted her piggy toes why mommy got ready!

Brian went with the boys to "day camp" on Friday, the boys told me they had the "coolest" dad there!

Mommy and her two babies! If I look a little tired it's because I am. This was taken when I got home from my root canal this week. I have 2 upcoming appointments: I'm meeting with a new neurologist who specializes in Pituatory Tumors (recommendation from Dr. Decker (Primary care physician) Dr. Tanner (My Neurologist who's primary focus is Epilepsy) and Dr. Sullivan (My neurosurgeon from U of M)...and I'm also going to see Dr. Foley at the clinic for Memory Loss of Grand Rapids. I have my long-term memory, and my short-short term as they call it. But I can't recall things from much farther than a month ago. (short term memory). I don't recall selling our fishing boat, apparently I was there - But I can tell you how much each of my children weighed. I know what I ate for dinner last night, but don't remember coloring Easter eggs this year with my kids at all :( I remember things because I re-read this and constantly talk about stuff....but somethings I honestly fake. I can tell you what I wore to my senior prom, but don't remember buying Aleigha a swim suit this year. My husband helps with lots of this and never says a negative word about it. Thank-you hunny. Promise to keep everyone posted. God-Bless.


May 28
Today was better...
I completed 9 loads of laundry, made it to the store to buy 3 gallons of milk, windex and I cleaned the slider, helped a lady catch her dog, fed the kids cereal for dinner, managed to change one childs sheets, cleaned 2 bathrooms, organized my morning, afternoon, and evening pills for the next 7 days (that IS a chore!) ran the dishwasher twice, watered my flowers, balanced the checkbook and prayed for a few more hours of energy. Today was better. Tomorrow, I have a Dr. appointment at 9:00am to discuss how we proceed. I also have a dentist appointment at 1:00pm to have the root canal completed. YIPEE! :)


May 27
Last post..
I just re-read my last entry. Man I sound like a wimp! I seriously considered deleting it. Because in all honesty, I don't want to be known as "that" lady. The one who couldn't hold it all together. Truth is I've decided to leave it, because it is all so real and so true. I'm tired. PURE EXHAUSTION. I have a 3 year old who refuses to sleep in her own bed, and than demands things all night. I'm certain there is a book out there by some wonderful parent who knows exactly how to handle this situation who would blame it on me and my lack of parenting during the day = her demanding my attention at night! I half agree. I think tomorrow will be a better day. I tried to do laundry today...Aleigha colored all over Blake with a PERMANENT marker. The marker is now in the trash...The laundry pile is now bigger. Wednesday has to be better.

How do you do it?
I get asked this often. By "it" I'm assuming you mean "keep going". Truth is, I just do. BUT, I don't do "it" well. I think that I have cried everyday in the shower since December, HONESTLY. That is my time. Sometimes it is just one or two tears.....others it's not a little cry. It's the kind of crying that gives your stomach a workout, the kind where you stop breathing for a moment and you think you might die but if you don't cry you won't know that you're alive.Today, I cried a lot.

I don't know exactly what I'm crying about, sometimes it's because I can't remember something, somedays because my head is pounding, others I cry because of what my kids have endured, sometimes I cry happy tears, sometimes I yell at God, sometimes I yell at myself, somedays I scream because I can't remember certain things from last week. Sometimes I wonder if I will ever function at full speed again.

I haven't been caught up on laundry since December, my house needs a GOOD cleaning, my kids need their sheets changed! My husband needs to hear how much I love him, my mom needs me to call her more, the animals need vet appointments, my carpets need to be cleaned...I have about 57 pairs of shoes sitting at my front door - I suppose I need to organize them. I have a few more thank-you's that need to be mailed, I need to pay some bills. I have radiation appointments to schedule and the kids need physicals, Dawson needs a cavity filled, my van needs to be cleaned out.

Today, I would rather cry.

I'm not looking for sympathy, I'm looking to vent. Today is one of those days where I realized that everything around me is still going...I'm the only one who has really stopped. The kids have 9 days of school left. When this all started they were still in the "middle" of the school year. Part of me wants everything else to stop while I'm going through this...that is the selfish part. Most of me knows that life goes on, and I need to "snap out" of it.

Today, I wish that this was all a bad dream. Today I cried a lot.


May 26
The newest addition to our family...she lives outside..

She stands tall and proud, and I'm uncertain if I have ever seen my husband more proud of his yard now that this is part of it. We worked hard (ok, I should admit Brian worked hard) to have this completed prior to Memorial Day. For any "newbies" around today, my husband is one of "The Few, The Proud, The Marines......" When I first met Brian he had just returned home with an "Honorable Medical Discharge" from the United States Marine Corp. Where he suffered a broken hip, pelvis, and had multiple stress fractures in both his feet. He was presented a personalized certificate of honor, signed by Bill Clinton thanking him for his service to our Country. Today, I want to thank him too. Being the wife of a Marine, means many things. It means that my children ALL stand when the National Anthemn is played, it means that Brian is real good under pressure, (has helped us out on a few occassions.) It means that we understand Freedom doesn't come free, It means that we don't talk "war" at our house, It means that we want to see our troops home safe, but don't get involved in the political reason why they are there. They are doing a job. PEROID. It means that daddy is a hero, and fought the Ultimate price for Freedom. Yes I'm proud to be the wife of a Marine! Happy Memorial Day!


May 21
In pictures...
Life has been a little overwhelming over at the DeYoungs. Busy, Busy, Busy! The Tumor news has overwhelmed us, so I decided to focus on something else for this blog. Other things that keep my mind occupied. Stitches, Musicals, Mailboxes, Soccer, Pretty nails...you know the important things.

As Cole battled last Saturday for 3 more goals. (The team had 4 overall, Cole scored 3 of them!) Aleigha's toes begged for mercy and as you can see ultimately lost!!! Perhaps cosmotology is NOT in her future!

Dawson had a minor surgery this morning, and had a small cycst removed from his face. The mailbox underwent a life altering experience as well. An over anxious driver, with an unstable trailor joined forces and the trailor lost control, breaking way from the hitch and knocking out everything in the path. Thankfully that involved our mailbox and fire hydrant and NOT any DeYoung children.

AND finally, the Spring Musical... Kennedy even had a speaking part and was SO excited! Thanks Granny, Grandma & Papa for joining us! Notice her cute new hair. She has been begging for a new hair cut, mommy finally caved last Saturday!


May 17
Living.
I crawled out of bed this morning, put on a smile and went to a few garage sales. I wasn't feeling up to it, I played the part anyway....I wanted to lay in bed all day. That is what I do best when life overwhelms me. Hearing that my tumor hasn't shrunk, kinda knocked the wind out of my sail. I turn inside for comfort. I don't leave my house, don't reach out for friends, often don't leave my room unless necessary.


One of the hardest things for me about this is the pulling away that occurs. I tend to lose myself with each new discovery. Everything good and right about me is being challenged. I'm physically exhausted, mentally fatigued and emotionally as used up and gunky as a rotten dishrag left too long in a sink of dirty water must feel. Before learning this week that the tumor has grown, I felt like I was recovering nearly completely. Although, my memory is still TERRIBLE, and my headaches have been severe....I was finding myself again. I would drive down the road with my windows open, radio blasting, enjoying the moment, the opportunity to feel good, grateful even for the process. Now, I'm starting to feel stripped of my defenses again. I lay in bed and ball up protectively around myself trying to keep me near, to keep some shell of who I really am only to have her torn from me again and again. And again.

I don't know how I'm suppose to feel, or act. I know that I feel alone and scared. I know that I try to hide behind my blue eyes and smile....

May 15
Feelings...
I had a friend send me an e-mail asking what best describes how I feel:
I feel like gum on the bottom of my shoe.I feel like I just smoked a pail full of garbage.I feel like a fish that has been out of water for 11 days.I feel like Oprah's sofa.I feel like I just spent a solid week listening to heavy metal. UGH.
She’s close - but what she forgot was an “all of the above” option.
However, from experience I know as badly as I feel today is only that – it is only as badly as I feel today, nothing else. It is not an indicator of how I will feel tomorrow. It is not a gauge of how I felt last week or a marker indicating how well I’m doing overall. It is only how I feel. And how I feel can change – will indeed change. And I will be better.
My tumor didn't shrink...matter of fact it grew a little. Sounds like I will do another dose of radiation. Good news is, it should be JUST that...one or two more sessions is all....Could be worse, could be better....I guess it just is.
Also, if you are anything like me you have to hear something 57 times before you believe it. I asked again, and the answer remained the same! Most pituitary tumors are benign (not cancer). Several people live with them and have no idea. We are treating this growth due to the side effects that I have. Seizures, headaches, short-term memory loss, tremors, and blurry vision. If my symptoms lighten or dissapear, we may be able to stop further treatment. THAT IS THE GOOD NEWS!


May 12
"This Child"
Mrs. DeYoung, we don't know what is wrong with "This Child".
(They said it in a way that left me broken. Desperate. And alone.)

They said that he’d be mentally retarded.

They said "This Child" will never ride a bike.

They said "This Child" will never run, jump or laugh.

They said "This Child" will never speak, he is missing the "speech core" in his brain.
I cried. I thrashed. I grieved. I fell lower than ever before and believe me, I’ve lived through my fair share of stuff.
But guess what. I was invited to speak in front of an Anatomy class last week about "THIS CHILD". I spoke about the above, but more importantly I spoke about what "This Child" has done:
"This Child" did smile....
"This Child" learned to walk, run and now rides a bike faster than any other 6 year old I know.
"This Child" is cute, funny and more frustrating than all four of my other children put together.
"This Child" has scored a goal at EVERY soccer game he has played.
"This Child" is a blessing.
And now. "This Child" is reading.
"THIS CHILD". Is reading.
Did you hear that Dr. what’s-your-name in Grand Rapids, MI? Did you hear that Dr. Mogle???....Did you hear that Dr. Millard????
Praise God...."This Child" has CP, "This Child" is my son....
PS. "This Child's" name is Cole.
Thanks for inviting me Brittany to talk about "This Child".


May 08
The Body...
When I was a little girl, my neighbors had a set of World Book encyclopedias. My favorite letter to flip through was always the letter M. M because it contained “Man” and the World Book had this really cool picture of a man with cellophane pages that layered over each other so you could see each system within the body … the nerves, the bloodstream, the muscles … they all layered one on the next to build up to a complete MAN with skin and everything. It was so incredibly cool, I was fascinated with the human body. I would read and look and study and become engrossed with what the body can do and what the body is. The body amazed me. And even more amazing, every one of us has one. Every one got one … it was the reward for being born. Congratulations! You win! You get … a BODY! This thing you won – just by being conceived – functions and hums efficiently without ever being asked to. It does a million, a billion, a trillion functions an hour … all without you knowing. It works. It functions. It lives. And yet, as amazing as it is, not many of us think about our bodies. We think about our IMAGE not necessarily our body. After the World Books were gone, I rarely, if ever, thought about my body. I did think about the reflection of my body in my mirror. I thought about the size of my body in my jeans. I thought about the imprint my body left in the cushions on the couch (Seriously? My butt spreads from there to there?). But I never really thought about my body as a living thing. I, like body builders and prom queens, thought about my image – not my body. I thought about my reflection, not the 600 or so breaths per hour I take. I thought about my looks, not the 86,000 times my heart beats a day or the function of my internal organs or the way my lymphatic system works to filter out infection.
I thought about my image, my looks, my figure. I never thought about my body.
Until the day I received the news my body was working to kill me.
Of all the amazing things I’ve been through during these past few months, the realization that my body was now potentially deadly was one of the most profound. Up until that point, the worst thing my body could do to me was expand into the next size up. Not that that wasn’t upsetting. But in the grand scheme of things … well, it was rather pointless. Because now, this body, the body I’ve taken care of, the body I’ve taken to the gym and feed ice cream and lathered with body butter in the winter months and sunscreen in the summer, this body was on a course to put an end to me. It was actively growing a killer. It was feeding a monster. And unless I went to war against it, it could kill me.
How’s that for gratitude?
Suddenly, out of nowhere, The Body is my main focus. Suddenly, The Body is top priority. I no longer care what The Body looks like or feels like, I only care what The Body can do.
And so now the body has to be handled, managed, taken care of. Nothing else matters. What goes on the body is inconsequential. Only what is inside The Body matters. Personality drains from The Body. The laughter, the energy, the joy … it all is spirited away and The Body remains. Only The Body. The Body has to be fed. The Body has to be given medicine. The Body has to ingest intense seizure medications and tolerate chemical warfare. The Body has to be taken to the bathroom and driven to the hospital. The Body has to be tested. Today the BODY had an MRI.
Somewhere along the way, because I have to focus on The Body, I feel like I lose The Person. That makes sense right? I mean you can really only give that kind of intense focus to one thing at a time. I can’t really focus on The Body and The Person all at once. One is going to win. I’m not saying this is right or wrong … it just is.
Feed The Body
Care for The Body
Medicate The Body
The Body needs
The Body demands
The Body.
There is no room in those days for The Person. The Person leaves. The Body remains.
This is difficult to say the least. It is difficult because I really like The Person. And unlike I’ve ever missed anything in my life, I miss The Person.
It’s The Person who returns phone calls.
It’s The Person who sends encouraging emails to friends.
It’s The Person who listens to people and solves problems.
It’s The Person who goes to work.
It’s The Person who has a killer sense of humor and a rich cackle at inappropriate times.
It’s The Person who smiles at children in the grocery and thanks the waitress more than necessary
It’s The Person who has insight and wisdom and a love for life
Today as I sat in the waiting room, preparing for my MRI, I read an article about gratitude. It was one of those hit you between the eyes messages. I loved it. I loved it because I needed to hear it and I loved it because I feel it. I am grateful. Despite its current course, I'm grateful for The Body and I’m grateful for The Person and the unique mix of humanity she is.
And most of all, as I type through tears, I am grateful for you. That’s what I’m trying, in my awkward, wordy way to say. I’m grateful for you.
For you who loves me through this.
For you who continues to come here and check on me, even when I don’t post for days.
For you who ignores the distance I have between everybody and everything.
For you who sends me emails in the middle of the night that carry me through my next day.
For you who smiles at me in the store even when I my eyes are blood shot, and I'm tired from radiation.
For you who sends me meals and ice-cream and flowers and cards.
For you who comes over – even when I say don’t come – and makes me smile.
For you who hugs me and damn near pushes your love into me in the strength of that hug.
For you who makes me laugh. And laugh. And laugh.
For every one of you. The Person is grateful.
And I believe in my soul that because of you, The Body will soon submit. You have come alongside The Person in ways that are too massive for me to express. You have joined the fight. You have supported and cheered and loved ... even when The Person is gone. You have remained. Because of you, The Body will once again become an ally. No Body can withstand that kind of army.
SO, hopefully the MRI will reveal that the body has stopped the friendly fire and gotten back in line behind the person. REGARDLESS "The Person" promises to update everyone...please pray for the "body".


May 07
Toliet Trouble
My mom came to see us this weekend. Things are always better when Momme’s around.
Most things that is.
My mom has a way of not telling you the whole story on the first shot out. She sort of eases facts in. I’m not saying she doesn’t tell the truth … it’s just she’s selective with it at times. This has been true my whole life. My father used to mention it from time to time. I think it is her way of controlling the information and making sure to give it to you in bite-sized pieces. Like if it comes in in smaller increments, it will be easier to swallow. She used to do the same thing when she tired to feed me cubed steak. It didn’t work then either.
I guess what I’m saying is that she doesn’t like to hit you all at once with something – especially potentially difficult somethings. Which is why I knew it was going to be especially dreadful when she came up to me this weekend after just leaving the downstairs bath and said,
“I have some really bad news.” She’s wringing her hands and looking down.
This could go a number of directions. Hemorrhoids? No TP? Just did the sitting on the pot breast check...? No telling. So I waited. The way it went was this:
“I knocked a tube of toothpaste into the toilet….” To which I’m thinking, Oh, great. It was probably my brand new, giant tube of Sensodyne toothpaste.
“… I reached for it…” Reached for it? Oh lord, it's still in there. That must be the bad news.
“…as fast as I could I bent over to grab it…” Fast? Maybe she pulled a muscle and that's the bad news.
“…as it was flushing….” And now I realize it was knocked into a used toilet… gross. Looks like I’ll be buying more toothpaste. This IS bad news.
“… but swwwiiiish …. it was gone.”
HUH?
I quickly replayed the whole thing in my head. And if you knew my mom, you’d understand why I asked, “What do you mean, ‘It was gone’?”
Now she makes eye contact and does the giant shrug thing, “It was gone. It flushed. It went down.”
“Down where?”
“Down! Down there!” She uses one arm to indicate a whoosh. The same motion a 5 year old would use to describe the world’s largest slide. “Down the toilet hole!”
Down the toilet hole.
“Mom. Are you telling me you flushed a whole tube of toothpaste?” Because it is just now hitting me, because I’m just now getting the implication, I may have raised my voice.
And so, she gets defensive. “Well! Not on purpose!”
So in the new adventures of the old homestead I’ve had my hand in the toilet for the past hour or so. I nearly went down the toilet hole myself. I've jiggled and loosened and removed. I've pulled and sopped up and drained. However, I’m unable to loosen the one last bolt it will take for me to pull the toilet myself and fetch my toothpaste. My choices now are a hacksaw or a plumber. or tell the husband.....
Crap.


May 06
Recycled Post.
Hello Everyone, I have had 2 people ask me about the side effects of seizure medication today...I wrote about this back in January and still agree with every word....I still can't find things, I don't recall Christmas, New Years, very little from Spring Break...I'm trying, but my memory is failing me:) Anyway, I hope you enjoy my recycled post


Drugs
Anti-seizure medication has side effects. Every person responds differently so there are lots and lots of potential problems you could have. Some are more annoying than others. Few of them worry me. I mean they are somewhat bothersome in the moment but all in all, they are temporary and therefore not so upsetting. Except one. One of the potential side effects of these drugs is terribly upsetting to me. Apparently, there can be cognitive effects. And I don’t mean good cognitive effects like I’d be able to suddenly do logarithms or solve that really hard problem at the beginning of Good Will Hunting. No, the cognitive effects can be negative. Basically what were talking about here is I have a chance of getting dumb. er. Dumber. I say dumber because I really think this is starting to happen to me. I think I’m losing brain power. Yesterday I forgot my mother's first name. Two days ago someone told a joke and I didn't get it. This may not seem too upsetting but it was a knock knock joke. Everyone gets knock knock jokes. Most upsetting is I feel like I'm constantly faking that things make sense. "Oh yeah, I remember where I put that....just give me a few minutes and I will find it". I don't remember the phone number of my children's pediatrician....with 5 kids, I used to have it memorized. I looked for 10 minutes for aluminum foil in my own house yesterday....You get the picture....These pills are making me STUPID. :(


May 04
Lighting doesn't strike the same place twice, BUT the FLU does!
Ugh, day 3 of Aleigha and the trusty "bowl". High fevers, sleepless nights, Princess Aleigha is beside herself and so is momma bear. Today was Brian's first day back to work, Our mortgage company will appreciate his return, but I miss him. I'm getting around better than I was...but still struggle to chase 5 kiddos. Besides that I have a few DeYoung Updates for everyone interested....

*First a HUGE thank-you to the staff at Evergreen & Springview Elementary schools for raising money for our family. Last week we were presented with a very generous amount of Family Fare gift cards for us to use towards groceries or gas. We are so humbled and honored at the same time, that our children attend this amazing school!

*Next, this is a BIG week for us. I have "the MRI" this week. IF tumor has shrunk...it will be time for singing some of my favorite Christian Hymns....however if the tumor has stayed the same size, we will be back in the saddle for more radiation and possible surgery.

*In addition, starting this week I have Physical Therapy 3x a week....for my knee. Oh skippy!

*On a side note, Cole had his first soccer game of the spring season Saturday morning and scored one of the three goals his team scored! He is loving it....next week Saturday he has a game @ 1:00 pm....come see him play. We would love it. REALLY, we would!