July 2008 Archieve

July 30
On Writing...
While going through radiation, I would often just sit and jot down notes about how I was feeling, what I was thinking or use the time as a short writing exercise. A way to keep my writing skills sharp. I would create little challenges and then try to meet them. I would make myself both drill sergeant and cadet.
5 minutes on the color teal - GO!Tell a story about beets - GO!How many things in nature can you think of that are orange? GO!(there are a lot of them, by the way)
I never thought much about those impromptu exercises. They've just laid there unread and uninspired in my old notebook. In fact, I had completely forgotten about them until today when I reached for a current notebook from my desk drawer and pulled out an old one instead. As I was flipping through it trying to find a blank sheet of paper I came across what I assume started out as an exercise during one of my many vigils in the waiting room. It was written just a few days before my first treatment. When my spirits were still pretty high and my humor was intact. I was still in that stage of pre-treatment when I thought the key was to attack this thing head on and partner with my body in getting rid of it and cheerio good fellow we’ll have this thing licked in no time at all! (having no idea that 7 months later, we would still be fighting this battle virtually clueless on what to do next.) But here is one entry into "The Notebook" that I found interesting... one I will use someday when I write my book.
Old people.This room is filled with old people. Even the young people are old people. There is an young old guy with a hat and a dark mustache in the corner. The guy is in the corner, not the mustache. He's falling asleep. I guess he's waiting for someone or maybe he's just found a nice place to take an overdue nap or it could be he feels like I do - exhausted - and doesn't have a notebook of graph paper and a mechanical pencil to keep him from drooling on his chin and doing head bobs. Wow. He's a big head bobber! Whoooosh forward .... Recover. Wooooosh back .... Recover. A quiet rocker, a aged headbanger without the ipod and the heavy beat he slowly bobs. Now less drastic. Bob. Bob. Bob. Maybe he's dreaming of Whitesnake or ancient Deep Purple although his sox's hat makes me think more Bullet Boys or Warrant. I'm not sure why.
But what the room lack in youth they make up for in attitude. Hellos, conversations, latch hook. It's not a bad place really. For what it is. Which is a bad placed indeed.
Funny thing is all the posters around the room show young people. Young people smiling. Young people laughing. A 30 something lady with a sundress and a fun hat looking at the camera like isn't this just the funnest thing ever? If it weren't for the word CANCER on the poster, you'd think this darling was pitching ice cream or toothpaste. The really sexy kind of toothpaste. There is no way that lady on the poster has cancer. If she did, we'd all want it. Give me her cancer! Damn! That broad looks great!
The headbanger is awake. He woke up when the door opened. The door opened when his wife - I guess that's his wife - came out of the back. She has test results in her hand. Those are test results. Her head is covered with a bandana. And there are precious few hairs dangling from the back. Those are the saddest hairs I've ever seen. The two of them are tucked in that corner. I don't think I would have really noticed them at all except she just exhaled. It wasn't loud. It was just a sound, a breath, an expulsion of air but I recognize it. I know that sound. It's defeat.
I can hear them - headbanger and wife. They are murmuring. The two of them are talking. We are all, the rest of us, not looking - we are all trying to give them a tiny bit of privacy there in the corner. We have all become intent, engrossed in what we are doing. I'm writing. The lady next to me is working a puzzle. The couple on my right is reading a copy of good housekeeping - both of them reading the same copy. And the couple next to them are studying a paper calendar. We all do business while their world comes apart.
The murmurs have stopped.They are getting up to go.I can't look up.
"Beverly," the nurse says softly from the window, "we'll call you next week, okay? Have a good weekend."The last line is said with compassion. I finally look up.
The headbanger is crying.
I hate this damn place.

July 25
Randy Pausch - Thank-you!
Randy Pausch died today. It was not unexpected.
Here is his last lecture.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ji5_MqicxSo
It is worth watching the entire thing. It is the BEST piece of advice I have EVER heard. I was one of you, and skipped past this video when it was forwarded to me a few times...Than I saw his book in the store and realized it was a National best seller, I had to see what all the hype was about! In life, it's about finding the good in people, it's about making TIME for people that matter, it's about family, friends and following your dreams. This man had it all right!


July 22
Medication...
So I screwed up. I take a few different medications...so when one runs out - I'm usually pretty good about getting it filled. The problem is IF I don't, I don't notice in the handful of medications that I take that one is missing.

ANYWAY, one of my seizure medications is called Trileptal. I take this one 2x a day. So in short, I ran out and forgot to get it refilled for 6 days. I think this is one mistake I will NEVER do again. I was so sick, like flu sick. At first, we didn't know what happened. Until we finally put everything together. My doctor said that is one medication you can't stop taking cold turkey. OOPS. Your body has to be weaned, "yeah you think"?? I spent the whole weekend in bed. Much of Saturday, all of Sunday and even part of Monday. I was sweating, shaking, vomiting - I suppose that would be called withdrawls. I would never make it as a druggie... Holy Moly, I'm too much of a wimp. When laying in bed I kept thinking I can’t – nor do I have any desire to – engage…. in anything. Conversations are beyond laborious, television is painful, reading is an impossibility. Please Lord, don't let any neighbors stop by, please don't let my husband decide we need to have a "real" conversation. I'm thankful that doing drugs is a path I never took...or for now, not taking my drugs is a road I will forever avoid.

*on a side note my husband had friends over for a bon-fire on Saturday night, I didn't want to seem snobby, so I walked out to visit for a few minutes. MISTAKE...my body was so messed up trying to get over not having the medication, and than having it at full strength again, that I looked at the fire pit and thought I seen little men dancing. I realized I was the probably one of the only one's not drinking, but for sure the most unstable one there...I went back inside to watch George Lopez!

July 19
Snap Shots.
We are blessed to have a photographer for a neighbor who does extrodinary work, for a great price! I promise I get no free pictures for mentioning that, it is SINCERELY the truth. So if you are in need of a photographer - give him a call, his name is Ryan Start. He owns RMS Photography; you can find the link to the right of my website. Shortly after my diagnosis we went to the park for some family time, he captured these photos for us. DeYoung Snowday Slideshow Enjoy!


July 16
Fighting the Storm...
I hate that I feel like I even have to write this blog....
Sometimes it's the people whom are suppose to be the closest to you, that cause you the most heartache. I have been told in the past that having such a "raw, exposed, open" blog could create controversy. Usually, I take things with a grain of salt, consider the source and keep rolling forward...The HUNDREDS of e-mails that I get weekly are what keep me blogging about my journey. I feel led in what I share, I have recieved e-mails from Pastors, friends, strangers who have ALL said that they have lived through similar situations...and are happy to hear that their emotions were shared in a similar way. If my journey and talking openly about it can help one person, I think that is wonderful! I have now met some friends who have given great advice on how to better understand the disease of alcholism that my mom struggles with. I was attacked for sharing what I have about my mother, told that I should honor her and continue to show love and support. Truth is I DO love my mom, and if I have led anyone to believe otherwise I sincerely apologize. But everyone gets to a breaking point, a place where they scream, "I can't take this anymore"!!! I suppose combining my illness, with my moms, my knee (which is now SO much better, thank-you for all the continued prayers!) my husbands finger, stress from Employers, and a dose of summer energized kids - & I just snapped. I'm human, I stumble, I say the wrong thing -I fail everyday in being the best follower of Christ. I don't write to put myself on a pedestal, I write for a release. I journal to maybe help someone who may follow on a similar road. I try to share my mistakes, so maybe others will learn lessons the easy way.

My integrity has been attacked, if anyone else would like to know "Why we whine and beg for money"? Let me explain. For public record and to address anyone who reads this, I'm stating once again...WE ARE NOT SEARCHING FOR GIVERS. WE DON'T BEG, WE DON'T CHEAT, AND WE CERTAINLY DON'T TRY TO DECIEVE. WE are NOT begging for your money!!!!!! We certainly appreciate all that EVERYONE has done for us. As I have mentioned numerous times....prayers are more than enough! We believe in the power of prayer. I have thanked tons of people for continuing to follow our journey, and pray for us. That ALONE is more than we could hope for!!!!

I have also been questioned how we can afford a Boat & Snowmobile & Caller ID with me not working. Well the TRUTH is the snowmobile is worth less than $300, was a gift from a family member and has provided HOURS of entertainment to our family. The boat was a gift from Papa. So selling it, is not an option. We live 10 minutes from the lake, it is a way for us to enjoy some family time and has been a great stress reliever for us. (and as funny as this sounds we can't always afford the caller ID, the phone is the first bill we skip if we have to skip one. (why many of you have called and it has said our phone has been "temporarily disconected") :)

Now for those of you who have questioned what EXTRA'S we have, that we don't need..let me share with you just a few things that we HAVE sold to stay afloat and continue to pay off bills...We have sold Brian's Fishing boat, that he owned for over 6 years, our family camper (that was the perfect size for our family and we have had it for over 5 years.) We have sold our big screen TV, Brians Truck, several of my dress/work clothes, a rocking chair, high chair, crib and changing table set. I went to a gold party and sold all my gold jelewry except my wedding ring and "mother" necklace. So please don't accuse us of taking other people's money and enjoying a lifestyle full of extra's. We do have our priorities in order, and are doing our best.

I have been accussed of making everything up for sympathy and money, stating that I was NEVER sick or NEVER in the hospital. I think there is enough people, including 2 pastors who came to visit me at the hospital that can verify I was. But for those of you needing proof of medical bills, and my tumor diagnosis I will leave you with these photos.

I know that this blog ONLY pertains to the MINORITY of my readers, so please everyone else don't take this personal.


July 14
A Fundraiser!!! (place order by July 30)
Hello Everyone. Emily Mackie with Tastefully Simple has offered to do a fundraiser to help our family. In order for her to track the orders, everyone will need to place their order through this link.

http://pomm.tastefullysimple.com/pomm/GuestResponseCatalogParty.aspx?pxid=823654&key=19fe600c-dff1-41e2-afaa-21fd0ca0df68

Everyone will have their orders shipped right to their door...(AWESOME) A portion of all sales will go directly to us to help pay our medical bills, (we are SO thankful!) Anyone that you know who may be interested in ordering any of their products, have them use the above link. I personally love the beer bread, and the salsa. I promise you will be satisfied with what you order, and if you are not....they offer a guarentee. :) Happy Shopping & Thank-you!!!!!


Ann-Arbor
Not sure if this is a good thing or a bad thing....in light of all the mess with Brian's finger, my appointment for Ann Arbor has had to be re-scheduled. In addition this nero-surgeon is "out of network" which means that 20% of the bill will be our responsibility if/when I go see him. (Thought it might be wise to make sure that Brian is employeed, we have insurance and have more than the $13 we have in our savings account before I make the trip.) When I called to reschedule the appointment and ask about how much I would be asked to pay up front - I was told that I was a "priority patient" and that they would be able to reschedule me asap. "priority patient"...left me feeling like this:

Cole took this picture when I was deep in thought, perhaps my expression says it all. This expression says soooo much more than I can explain..fear, pain, sadness, hurt, forgiveness, gratitude - you can see it all just by looking at my face.


July 11
Spartan Stores...
stink. They have put a BIG target on my husbands back and are trying everything in their power to make our lives horrible. (and Ultimately fire my husband.) They have sent Brian back and fourth to the Doctor for releases, everytime he returns to work providing them with what they asked. Than tonight, they sent him home. Apparently, they found a policy that he is violating by working. He is on Hi-Lo, his release stated "return to full duty on Hi-Lo"! Not good enough. I'm struggling to remain calm. It's difficult when you work for a company and after 14 years, they still treat you like a number. "Brian DeYoung clock number ***" They have turned into a heartless operation, providing more help and optmism to the community than to their own employee's....makes me want to vomit.


July 10
Old Friends.
I run in small enough circles that when I lose touch with someone who will forever hold a place marker in my heart, I have a general idea of the direction their lives ended up taking. I run into their mothers, their brothers or sisters, their old college roommates. Some I do better at keeping in touch with than others...very few I can pick up with from where we left off. Fortunately, my friend Jeni was one of my best friends throughout HS. (I would dare say that during HS she was one of 3 people that I would tell anything too.) She is an amazing person, and has done remarkable things with her life. After spending 4 years in the Marine Corp, she went to College and has become a "Wildlife Biologist" in North Carolina. She has been visiting in MI for a few days, so we met for dinner last night. I almost felt like I was preparing for a first date...I had butterflies...I felt like I might barf in anticipation. She is a successful woman, highly educated, hasn't entered "motherhood" yet....so she still has a body that is her own....I pictured her getting ready in a nice peaceful hotel last night...with trendy clothes, great jewelry and of course the best lipstick. While I SERIOUSLY grabbed clothes out of the dryer that I sprayed with water to get the wrinkles out...stopped to buy some new make-up at the local "family dollar" did my make-up in the van. Before leaving the house, I was sweating like a pig, hoping that I didn't stink, trying to quick gets the kids dinner, prepare things for the babysitter...find pj's for the kiddo's and still keep my hair looking halfway decent.

after getting ready in the van, and feeling as pretty as an old chubby mom was going to feel...

I headed to meet her downtown...I decided to bring her a little blast from the past. So I picked up the perfect picture frame and found a great picture of the two of us from my wedding nearly 10 years ago. She loved it.

There is such a history with the 2 of us, a similar upbringing, similar struggles, similar curve balls...we were both very passionate about cheerleading, both proud band "geeks"! We attended the same dances, actually shared a boyfriend. She had him first :) We laughed about this last night...he broke both our hearts. They dated for 1 year and him and I dated for 4 years after. After he broke my heart I found myself saying to her "I'll never go through that again!" And at first I didn't. I found myself screening my calls to avoid second dates, never letting anyone get close enough to show any interest, frantically reaching for the door handle after a night out, so that the cute boy in the driver's seat couldn't lean in for a kiss lest he (or I) think there was more between us than the movie we'd just shared. It was like that for nearly two years, until time and distance did what they always do to a broken heart. Until I met Brian. What a blessing that was!

Jeni and I shared so many good times -- hilarious, obnoxious, wonderful times -- we chatted about those too, those were so fun to remember because there were plenty of those then too.

She shared a little about her new love with me, wow does he sound perfect for her!!! (can't wait to meet him.) She has deserved this for so long, I'm grateful for the peace that she now feels. It was a wonderful evening shared with friends, it didn't matter how big my bum has gotten or if I had the trendy clothes, it didn't matter that we hadn't seen eachother in approximately 8 years...we laughed, we hugged, we remembered. Thanks Jeni, I wish that we could do that more often!


July 07
Silver Lining...
All the rain has done wonders for our yard and flowers...


BUT, what I'm wondering is if any other West Michigan residents crapped their pants this afternoon when the winds picked up and the Thunder and Lighting started...Thankfully round 2 was not in the plan for today! :)

July 06
Powerless.
Wednesday started like all the rest of the gorgeous summer days thus far...kids laughing and playing, dogs barking, phone ringing. Than "the storm" rolled in. Leaving most of the yards in our area looking like this.

Around 3:00pm on Wednesday we lost power. CRAP, I thought. This is going to make for a long day. Keeping the kids in the house, with the fridge shut to preserve our food. Well little did I know we were facing more than a few hours...When I called Consumers Power for an estimate on restoration, I heard " The power in your area is scheduled for restoration on Saturday by 11pm"! Ok, HOLY CRAP! I prayed to see a truck like this..

Which didn't happen for a few more days. Some of our neighbors were fortunate enough to have generators to keep things running smoothly.


The rest of us ended up with refridgerators and freezers that looked like this.

With the generosity and pure kindness of neighbors we ended up here.

THANK-YOU so much to Lori and Jill for surprising our family with this wonderful gift. We were given 2 nights of R&R... The kids had SO much fun, we ordered pizza and watched movies...had McDonalds for lunch and swam a ton! We were completely humbled and taken back by the kindness of our neighbors. Enjoying a few days like this, helped to calm mommy and daddy down when we found out that we would be replacing EVERYTHING in our freezer's and fridge!

Happy to report that I'm typing this blog from my couch in a house that has lights and AC...Thank goodness. Hope everyone else has been safe over these last few days. We are trying to return to life as normal over here in Allendale.


July 01
Appointment.

I had my "I'm losing my mind" appointment yesterday. They did lots of tests, which indicated that I've lost the ability to store new information. This is probably due to the seizure medication that I'm on....(they are also checking my blood for a few other things...) So perhaps I haven't lost my mind, it is just unable to retain anything new...